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Groaner Jokes- The Return

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:01 pm

Sugar was proud of you John. She said you nailed the deep South and went into her Bless there Heart mod. Ya'll take care now ya hear.

RB, that bloke owes me some royalties. Possibly even some to Sugar, She's been calling me a Grumpy Fucker for years. Some name infringement going on here. :)

FF, All I can say is DAMN!
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Wed Feb 22, 2017 2:02 pm

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: "We had been to Scotland for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time". She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?”
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."
Husband:"That’s it. We are happy ever after. "
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Thu Feb 23, 2017 3:06 pm

Pause for effect................. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: That could do it RB.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Sun Feb 26, 2017 2:46 pm

Race is red flagged, sooo.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Sun Feb 26, 2017 3:04 pm

Personally I like licking the ladies but...
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Mon Feb 27, 2017 11:46 pm

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light.”
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:21 am

more ejamacatin for ya......

Stow High

Manure
An interesting fact about Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything for export had to be transported by ship.

It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large
shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when
wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but
the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane
gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could
(and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below
at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction
Stow high in transit them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would
not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come
down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:36 am

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their anc...estors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces
of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already
had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the
British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the
following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek,
Northern
Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeoloisgt, reported
that he found absolutely f*ck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already
gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Tue Feb 28, 2017 3:49 am

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15
seconds..

If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You are a pervert.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Tue Feb 28, 2017 4:34 am

1/ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite
they only look at the covered parts.

2/ If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would
eventually find me attractive.

3/ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments to the bank

4/ Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

5/ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live
longer than the men who mention it.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Tue Feb 28, 2017 2:27 pm

RB, great story about "shit". I decided to check it out to see if it was true. Sad to say, it's not. But it's still a great story.

And it's good to know that I don't have Alzheimer's and that I AM still a pervert. :D

And #4... yeah. :? :? :?
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Fri Mar 03, 2017 12:24 pm

John - I'm still a pervert too! And I also like the shit story, too bad it isn't true.

GOLFING COUPLES

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, ‘What happened to YOU?’

‘Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.’

‘I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s behind.

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!”

‘I don’t remember much after that'
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sat Mar 04, 2017 12:08 am

Jr, that hurts mate. Takin Johns word over mine. I wouldnt BS ya, course its true. I got it from facebook so its gotta be legit.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sat Mar 04, 2017 12:10 am

BTW Jr, love the joke... :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Sat Mar 04, 2017 11:08 am

Speaking of jokes from Facebook- so it must be true... :lol: :lol: :lol:

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Thu Mar 09, 2017 2:03 am

Those good Ol' boys can put a hurting on ya if ya piss em off. ;)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:32 pm

Do we know of any rednecks on here?? :lol:

your a redneck if.....

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.</ div>

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby FastFive » Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:20 pm

LMAO!!

I am safely in the "not a redneck" camp.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:09 pm

Women's responses to survey on size:
2 inches: I can't even hold it.
3 inches: Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches: I've had bigger than it.
5 inches: Good, but I wish it was a bit bigger.
6 inches: perfect.
7 inches: Love it.
8 inches: Wow! But can't have it all.
9 inches: A lot, but manageable.
10 inches: Too much pressure on stomach, fills me up
This survey was actually Customers' Feedback on different SIZES of
Subway Sandwiches!
But I love the way you think!
(This is why I worry about you...)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Thu Mar 23, 2017 6:11 pm

Don't have any grandmothers Jr., but that ammo is on Sugar's list along with a thigh holster and a Walter PP. Go figure, what's a good Ol' Boy to do? ;)

RB, Sugar laughed her ass off when she read it was a Subway survey. Yep she's a sick puppy. :roll: Don't blame me. :? (No worries mate)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sun Mar 26, 2017 11:35 am

Grumpy - what's a good ol' Boy to do - anything Sugar wants! ;)

I don't have any grandmother's anymore either but I'm sure one of them would have loved to have Ammo at Christmas time.

jr
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Tue Mar 28, 2017 7:01 pm

:lol: Don't tell Sugar that Jr.

You know, half the people in the southern part of your state heads just exploded if they read that about your grandma. :lol: :roll:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Thu Mar 30, 2017 4:35 am

My Grandma was in court for shooting the local mischief maker with a 12g loaded with rock salt. !st warning, Im told the 2nd barrel had the real deal.
Lawyer. Madam, did you shoot this young man in the art of self defense?
Grandma. No mate, I shot him in the ass an he jumped the bloody fence.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:25 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: That's my kind of grandma. (with out getting into the legal ramifications)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Wed Apr 12, 2017 11:51 am

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Thu Apr 13, 2017 6:05 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sun Apr 16, 2017 3:48 pm

A little 4-year-old boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.



"Matty, are you all right?" she says. "You've been in here for a while..."



Matty says, "I'm fine, Mommy... I just haven't gone 'doody' yet." The little boy is sitting on the toilet impatiently. Every ten seconds or so he grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.



"Matty, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" his mother asks, concerned.



Matty responds, "Works for ketchup!!!!"
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sun Apr 16, 2017 3:49 pm

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says, a bit proudly.
The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sat Apr 22, 2017 12:27 pm

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.

I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Fri Apr 28, 2017 6:47 pm

From one of the Grumpy Clan.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby honora » Sat May 20, 2017 9:35 pm

:D
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby honora » Sat May 20, 2017 10:49 pm

What is the difference between a redhead and a computer?
A = A redhead won't accept a 3 1/2 inch....

How do you start an argument with a redhead?
A = Say something

For a redhead, what is the fastest way to a man's heart?
A = Through his ribcage
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sun May 21, 2017 2:39 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i will pay both those Honora.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby bigdeskjet » Sun May 21, 2017 8:22 am

Very nice
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Sun May 21, 2017 11:12 pm

Now Lil' Red behave your self. Umm, hmmm, what was I thinking! Never Mind. Carry on. :) ;) Mwah. ♥ ♥ ♥
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby honora » Sun May 21, 2017 11:36 pm

You would pay RB?! Nah I couldn't let you do that! :oops:

Big Jet, I think the same of you ;)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby honora » Sun May 21, 2017 11:40 pm

9707db806c86e3947336be351e29dfbf.jpg
Grumpy yes what were you thinking? You know I love ya though! Muah right back at ya! :D
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Merlin52 » Mon May 22, 2017 11:08 am

Who's picture?
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby FastFive » Mon May 22, 2017 2:33 pm

Jorg Billwitz, apparently.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby honora » Mon May 22, 2017 10:40 pm

Duly noted; I rarely post anything that didn't come from me and definitely don't want to create any issues!
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby FastFive » Tue May 23, 2017 4:32 am

honora wrote:Duly noted; I rarely post anything that didn't come from me and definitely don't want to create any issues!


I highly doubt any issues would be created.... nobody would know anyways, since I doubt VW reads these forums.

Funny though, she certainly didn't look like a Jorg. :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Sat May 27, 2017 9:35 pm

honora wrote:
9707db806c86e3947336be351e29dfbf.jpg
Grumpy yes what were you thinking? You know I love ya though! Muah right back at ya! :D


:lol: :lol: :lol: Now Miss. Honora you know there are two distinct sides to that phrase depending on the context and whom one is talking about at any given time. ;) ♥ ♥ ♥
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:10 am

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:50 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Merlin52 » Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:01 am

FastFive wrote:
honora wrote:Duly noted; I rarely post anything that didn't come from me and definitely don't want to create any issues!


I highly doubt any issues would be created.... nobody would know anyways, since I doubt VW reads these forums.

Funny though, she certainly didn't look like a Jorg. :lol:


Whether or not VW does anything, there is still an issue, it is the damages to the creator and model, which are more real than people would like to believe. In my case, I wrote a book. It wasn't huge, but I got a bit of money off of it until someone started distributing it on P2P, and my sales dropped to $0. I have also had people steal photos, which I put a lot of work in to. Typically nude, but artistic, non sexual. They re-post them to porn sites, which is out of context with my intent, and not how the model wanted to be seen. It then becomes an embarrassment to her, and a reason for other women not to pose nude.

There are also companies which scan for and enforce copyrights. Getting caught on one of those can cost several thousand dollars. Had that happen once when one of our web designers, who was long gone, had used an image which we could find no license for. It looked like he cropped it to remove the watermark.

There are many myths around copyright. "everybody does it", "if you modify it", "posted in public domain", etc. but it is really much simpler than that. Mostly it is if you didn't create it, you need permission.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Wed Jun 07, 2017 1:31 am

Merlin,
You present quite a conundrum. I love old style pin up art and hotrod art. I have never blocked out the artists name. I want to share that art and have other people look into that artist and look into more of his or her work and enjoy or buy there prints. I don't know half of the artists I come across on the net while pocking around. I think they deserve a broader audience in what I generally look for. (doe's that make any sense?)

I particularly like Boris Vallejo. I have at least one of his books that I found after several moves, and have one of his prints that is visible in some of my photos here from a long time ago. I have gone on several artists sights and never got a full representation of there work. Yes some of there history is amazing. Still I don't like all they do. That's my taste.

As far as your book is concerned, I'm out of my league. We can argue the points of photography or art as mentioned above. But now we come into a whole different realm. I could never share the total context of my purchased books. I can see someone sharing your talent and giving credit where credit is due, but stealing your work in total is unconscionable. I can only hope you have a strong law suite pending.

Don't know about your book nor photos, but if you let us know what to look for, we'll look out for false posts and flag them.

G'Day Merlin.
Be a flirt raise your skirt.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Wed Jun 07, 2017 1:33 am

Now back to the groaner jokes. :)
Be a flirt raise your skirt.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:19 pm

I've been gone too long and missed lil' Red. Keep the jokes cumming - good to hear from you again. :D
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sun Jun 11, 2017 12:44 pm

Why Italians can't be paramedics

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?'

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

There is a silence. And then a gunshot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what?
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:34 pm

A prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ...
and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!! :D
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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