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Groaner Jokes- The Return

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Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:07 pm

I gave Viscount the opportunity to bring this thread back... but it appears Jaybird has got him occupied- no doubt by some devious method. :shock: :lol: So I guess I'll get the ball rolling.

This first one is for Grumpy... aka 327 Retro.

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer.
Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:40 pm

Thanks John and a good one, now if I only had one to add.
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby CountessFuntime » Wed Jan 16, 2013 3:50 pm

Thanks for getting it started again, John...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Wed Jan 16, 2013 6:19 pm

Viscount, that was GREAT! You always have some great jokes! Speaking of great jokes, where is Natasha? She always posted some great blonde jokes. ;)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby CountessFuntime » Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:30 pm

John, it's your fault, but you opened the door...

Jaybird was at home, nude, happily jumping on our bed and squealing with delight.

I watched her for a while and asked.....

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

She continued to bounce on the bed and said....

"I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

I replied.....

"What did he say about your 50-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Thu Jan 17, 2013 4:32 pm

Ohhhh... Viscount... always a good one! That Jaybird does have a rapier wit! :lol:

Of course I am, Grump. Would you expect anything less of me? :roll: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sun Jan 20, 2013 5:40 pm

Many years ago on a long transatlantic flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Sun Jan 20, 2013 8:06 pm

jr, that was hilarious! :lol: Hadn't heard that one before.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby masseur » Mon Jan 21, 2013 1:11 am

An elderly lady whose husband had recently passed away was making his final arrangements with the funeral director. She told the director, " I brought three different outfits but he always just loved this blue suit. I'm certain he would want to be put to rest in it."

"Very well" said the director "You can come in tomorrow morning to view your husband and give us your approval before calling hours"

The following morning the lady came in and was very upset to see that her husband was wearing a brown suit. The director said "Im so sorry for the mix up. We will take care of that right away" and asked the lady to step into the lobby.

Within two minutes the director came and took the lady back into the room to see her husband wearing the blue suit. She said "That is so much better but my goodness how did you change him so quickly ?"

The director replied " The mortician got confused last night and put the blue suit on the man in the next room so we just switched heads"
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Mon Jan 21, 2013 8:38 am

Ohhhhhhh... Masseur... that certainly does qualify as a "Groaner". :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Mon Jan 21, 2013 1:07 pm

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.

Then, He made the earth round ...

And He laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:36 pm

A woman goes to France to attend a 2-week, company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”
The husband laughs and says, “A French girl!”
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good, thank you”.
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?”
“What I asked for…. the French girl?
“Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl…”
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:34 pm

The ladies out there should like these:

Finally Blonde MEN jokes

A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said,
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------

Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take
them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and
laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's
on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the
shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.... it's for dry hair, and
I've just wet mine."
------------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells
the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde
man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
----------------------------------

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope
"DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the
cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.. His wife says "Why don't you
put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck"
says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------

(This one actually makes sense.)

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd
still be in the boat."
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:50 pm

jr, I think those are funnier than lady blonde jokes. :lol: :lol: By the way, I'm a blonde... or at least that is what I'm trying to claim. Everybody keeps telling me it's gray. :roll: :oops:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Fri Jan 25, 2013 11:49 am

Ok...not really a joke...per se... unfortunately it seems to be all too true. :roll: :cry: This really belongs on the Poli Board... but those guys scare me over there. :roll: :? :shock: Speaking of being scared, I'm sounding like my own parents. :? :oops:

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if.... When smoking Pot is legal (sort of) and widely accepted but smoking Tobacco is treated like a criminal offense.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if.... You can get arrested for expired tags on your car but not for being in the country illegally.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for calling his teacher "cute" but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable.

You know you live in Country run by idiots if... Working class Americans pay for their own health care
(and the health care of everyone else) while illegal and unmarried women are free to have child after child on the "State's" dime while never being held responsible for their own choices.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if...The government's plan for getting people back to work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment checks (to not work).

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... The rights of the government come before the rights of the individual.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Parents believe the state is responsible for providing for their children.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you "safe".

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if.... You have to have your parents signature to go on a school field trip but not to get an abortion.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only subject to having her neck and head searched.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... Using the "N" word is considered "hate speech" but writing and singing songs about raping women and killing cops is considered "art" and it's OK to call your own people "Niggah." Now how is that not the same?

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... You need a photo I.D. to buy cold medicine but not to vote.

You know you live in a Country run by idiots if... You have to pass a drug test to get or keep your job but not to collect your welfare check.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Skeetz » Fri Jan 25, 2013 12:30 pm

No politics here . . . no sexists, no racists, but maybe a few idiotphobes, (is that a word?)

I just love this place!

Jr, those All make perfectly good sense to me . . . where's the joke :?:

Sugar, don't be too hard on Grumpy, at least he has great taste in women. :)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Fri Jan 25, 2013 4:20 pm

Economic Lesson for the day

$7.00 Sex
Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything,
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and

Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Fri Jan 25, 2013 7:20 pm

While we're on the subject...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Sat Jan 26, 2013 2:37 pm

Just in case anybody was wondering... :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sun Jan 27, 2013 1:00 pm

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Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sun Jan 27, 2013 1:17 pm

Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life.
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Tue Jan 29, 2013 12:45 pm

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a jar of peanut butter and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Costco anymore, either!!
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Tue Jan 29, 2013 6:43 pm

Peanut butter.... Costco... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Thumper » Tue Jan 29, 2013 7:44 pm

Ah, thoughts of Trin and her pickle jar!



These three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came along and flashed them.

Well, two of them had a stroke....
But the third one couldn't quite reach that far!
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass
...its about learning to dance in the rain!
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby rockclimber » Tue Jan 29, 2013 8:28 pm

My turn.....













500








Little Thumper & Lady T

Little LT was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lady, who created the universe?"

When Lady didn't stir, little Thumper, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Lady and the teacher said, "Very good" and Lady soon fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked little Lady, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, Lady didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Thumper came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted a suddenly wide awake Lady and the teacher said, "very good," and soon, once again Lady fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Lady a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And predictably yet again Thumper jabbed her with the pin. This time our little Lady jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The Teacher fainted....!



:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

"I would like a lifetime spent,
With an irrational and suspicious goddess,
Some short tempered jealousy on the side...
And a bottle of wine that tastes like you...
... and a glass that's never empty...."

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Skeetz » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:48 am

Heh,heh,heh, "Little [b]LT]/b]" Sounds somehow erotic to me . . . but then I'm just an old perv, I guess, feeling "exhaustipated."
No sense of humor in that Sunday School class I reckon.

Woulda' thought Costco would be more tolerant than that. Management was propbably just jealous.

I love John's California map. That's pretty much us, alright. You can see my place, if you look just below the first "g" in that phrase, "mostly something for driving through." Don't understand why it's not labeled.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Wed Jan 30, 2013 12:01 pm

Skeets & John, if the peanut butter would have been dropped in a Walmart - the pictures would be all over the internet and the couple would have had personal invitations back. :lol:
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby rockclimber » Wed Jan 30, 2013 8:29 pm

Stolen from the VW Front Page......

BAD HUMOR

The Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly, he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me...but he went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place, just down the beach.
They were at her apartment and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach, all the way to his condo. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all the way down the stairs!
Just then the door opened, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he'd been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"


:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

"I would like a lifetime spent,
With an irrational and suspicious goddess,
Some short tempered jealousy on the side...
And a bottle of wine that tastes like you...
... and a glass that's never empty...."

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby rockclimber » Wed Jan 30, 2013 8:29 pm

Stolen from the VW Front Page......

BAD HUMOR

The Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly, he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me...but he went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place, just down the beach.
They were at her apartment and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach, all the way to his condo. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all the way down the stairs!
Just then the door opened, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he'd been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"


:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

"I would like a lifetime spent,
With an irrational and suspicious goddess,
Some short tempered jealousy on the side...
And a bottle of wine that tastes like you...
... and a glass that's never empty...."

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Thu Jan 31, 2013 9:42 am

That map of California is pretty much right on, ain't it Skeeter and jr? I may be going out on a limb but I do believe California has the most diversity of any of the states. However, I'm sure every state could do something similar. I'm in the south end near the "bros" and the "weird spiky trees"... though I honestly have no idea what "bros" is supposed to signify. :?
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Thu Jan 31, 2013 1:32 pm

I agree John - that map is spot on. Of course, I'm in the middle of Tech Stuff. And work wise was also right in the middle of tech stuff - from Robotic Arms to Armored Vehicles - from making the equipment to product silicon chips to voicemail. My two best jobs were the voicemail one and one that produced wireless internet equipment - they were fun companies but neither one is around today.

I'm not sure what "Bros" is suppose to stand for either.
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Skeetz » Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:05 am

Herding snails, was he Rock? That's funny right there . . .

I can't quite figure out the Bros thing either. My first thought was East L.A., but that should be "Vatos," don't ya' think?
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby CountessFuntime » Fri Feb 01, 2013 10:39 am

In The News:

Russian astronauts aboard the International Space Station succeeded in transferring 400 megabytes of data to their ground station via laser communication channel for the first time in international practice.

The breakthrough brings them one step closer to their eventual goal of viewing VoyeurWeb in space.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Fri Feb 01, 2013 10:55 am

Skeeter and jr, the "bros" on the map is in Riverside County basically where the city of Riverside lies... not anywhere close to East LA, Watts or Compton. So I guess it will remain a mystery. :?
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Skeetz » Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:47 am

Damned Horney Russian Pervs . . . heh,heh,heh,

So, guess that means JayBirds Ass just might be, "outa' dis world!" (thumbs up emoticon)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Sat Feb 02, 2013 4:22 pm

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
"Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

:shock: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby rockclimber » Sat Feb 02, 2013 6:10 pm

Ermmm.....

I think I know her......

....and if I don't, I think I want to....
!

"I would like a lifetime spent,
With an irrational and suspicious goddess,
Some short tempered jealousy on the side...
And a bottle of wine that tastes like you...
... and a glass that's never empty...."

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby CountessFuntime » Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:05 pm

Jaybird sat on my glasses and broke them.....


...I guess it was my own fault....


....... I should have taken them off.... ;)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Skeetz » Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:21 am

Sounds like a great promotion for Contacts . . .

but then, contact was the problem I suppose. :oops:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby CountessFuntime » Sun Feb 03, 2013 10:02 am

A little old lady who had lost her 'marbles' was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex".

She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "Well, I'll take the soup."
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Mon Feb 04, 2013 6:01 pm

Great one guys! Here is one for you:

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,"...The Balcony..."
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Skeetz » Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:38 am

A not so devout catholic steps into the confessional box after years of being away from the church.

Much to his surprise, he sees there's a fully equipped bar in there with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

As he wonders if he dare sample some of the goodies he hears the priest enter.

"Father, forgive me," says the man, "for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must say that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be!"

The priest replies, "Get out of there sinner, you're on my side."
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:06 pm

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto. They place two bar stools side by side and park themselves on the stools.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I’m John, he's
Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday
yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"
Jim nods his head in agreement.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby CountessFuntime » Wed Feb 06, 2013 3:51 pm

Jaybird recently went for for dental checkup. Just at the moment when the dentist was
leaning over towards her to take care of her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Jaybird, those are my testicles that you are holding."

"I know," she answered sweetly, "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other......"
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sun Feb 10, 2013 5:28 pm

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore. "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:05 pm

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.”

“Now ... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Skeetz » Mon Feb 11, 2013 1:22 pm

These last two are great Jr. And sadly, I can relate to both. :cry:
But I'm hangin' on to my Class A license with both hands.

Grumpy, no comments from the Peanut Gallery!
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Tue Feb 12, 2013 2:08 pm

Here's one I probably posted on the old thread... but it's still good for a laugh.

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway..He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says:

'And her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks:

'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks:

'And her.... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes!....'
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Tue Feb 12, 2013 7:38 pm

Woof! Yes... I am a dawg!
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:56 am

Grumps, did you even notice her eyes? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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