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Groaner Jokes- The Return

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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:45 am

A Scottish Golf Story

Berty, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up Berty's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Berty said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, Berty got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. ''Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

‘She just died and left me everything.'
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:47 am

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!", said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:09 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Sat Dec 09, 2017 10:13 am

What are you laughing at, Grumps? You were in the first row... and I was sitting right next to you. :? :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Sat Dec 09, 2017 10:16 am

May be a repeat...

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't
really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around
75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

Hey, RB, is that true? :mrgreen: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:35 pm

John - I heard you and Grumpy were in that senior center. I tried to get in too but they said I was too young. ;) :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:41 am

[quote="Jbe"]May be a repeat...

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's
penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't
really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around
75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

Hey, RB, is that true? :mrgreen: :lol: :lol:[/q




:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I do have some concerns as to the authenticity of this article.
1. There is no way that 3 slabs of beer would last 3 hrs down here. So the time frame spent on this research is doubtful.
2. $75 for 3 slabs, this research must be extremely old. You would be lucky to get 1 slab for that these days.
3. For the true blue Aussie man, where beer is involved, the only time he grabs his penis is to make room for more.
4. The more believable result of an Aussie study into why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft would be "to prevent your fingers getting wet while making room for more beer."

But, having said all that, if we said its true then its gospel.. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Mon Dec 11, 2017 4:02 pm

jr, keep dreaming... though Grumpy shouldn't have been there since he is only....39? :roll:

RB, not being a beer drinker myself, I'll have to take your word on the subject. :? :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sun Dec 17, 2017 4:37 am

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, "I've always thought that I'm the Strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?

Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most Gorgeous of them all, but
sometimes I wonder!

Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure that I'm, the Sexiest man alive but I've
never had it confirmed!

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to ask the famed talking "mirror, mirror on the wall" to confirm for
them whether Shrek was the Strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most
Gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the Sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror
told me that I am the Strongest man in the world!"

Angelina Jolie lifted her Gorgeous face and said, "It's true. I am the most
Gorgeous woman in the world."

Brad Pitt sadly lifted his head and said....."But who the hell is Redback?"
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Sun Dec 17, 2017 2:24 pm

Must be in a Chevy. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Mon Dec 18, 2017 1:15 pm

Oooohhhh, RB, you are a legend in your own mind! :lol: :lol: :lol:

jr, I think that was from Grump's truck. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Thu Dec 21, 2017 3:16 pm

Seems I'm getting picked on these past few weeks. Senior Center? :P
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sun Dec 24, 2017 12:16 am

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing
blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than
human blood.
It tends to make the men c*cky and the women lay better.....
Just thought you'd like to know.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Tue Dec 26, 2017 10:23 am

RB, you Aussies sure are up on your medical studies. :roll: :lol:

Grumps, what is the old saying? You only hurt the ones you love... :twisted: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Sat Dec 30, 2017 11:42 am

IMG_0005.JPG
Ok, that's a bad one. Hence the title of the thread.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Sat Dec 30, 2017 10:35 pm

Jbe wrote:Oooohhhh, RB, you are a legend in your own mind! :lol: :lol: :lol:

jr, I think that was from Grump's truck. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:


John, you know I don't have any of that hi-tech stuff. But you & Jr. gave me an idea. I saw one of those digital read out thermometers at Home Depot. Got one and taped it to my drivers side mirror. Works great, and I did leave Sugar a note on the dash about the -4°. Just in case. :roll:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby redback » Sun Dec 31, 2017 3:18 pm

A bloke just cant win, can he.........


The Outdoor BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to
do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10)The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Thu Jan 04, 2018 4:04 pm

RB, go figure..... :roll: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Thu Jan 04, 2018 4:09 pm

You are never too old to learn something new...
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English: I Love You
Spanish: Te Amo
French: Je T'aime
German: Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
Italian: Ti Amo
Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
Swedish: Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian: As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia....and Australia....: Nice Tits. Get in the Truck.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Fri Jan 05, 2018 10:30 pm

John - I think that line is also used in California's central valley - from Modesto down past Fresno. :)
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:32 am

jr, don't be talking bad about Skeetz's stomping grounds. ;) :o
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Wed Jan 10, 2018 6:03 pm

At least my neck of the woods was first on that list. :roll: :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:32 pm

Uhhh, Grumps, I can count and it ain't first! :lol:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Jbe » Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:33 pm

Sounds about right. :roll:
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Fri Jan 12, 2018 3:32 pm

Jbe wrote:Uhhh, Grumps, I can count and it ain't first! :lol:


Sorry about that. Senior moment. (Wasn't first.) :roll: :P
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Fri Jan 12, 2018 3:53 pm

Post turtle. Man if that doesn't put things in proper perspective. Leave it to a country boy to bring things back to earth.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby 327retro » Fri Jan 12, 2018 3:56 pm

Speaking of country boys.
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Re: Groaner Jokes- The Return

Postby Coffjr » Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:21 pm

Not a joke but funny just the same.


A true and real helicopter pilot.

​"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is.
The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

After his helicopter was hit and he was forced to auto-rotate into trees, the Army pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was an Army helicopter pilot she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "I understand. Can I feel your boobs, then?"
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